"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
You’re a perfect ten(t).
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.