Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.

Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.

What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"

Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!

Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.

Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.

Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.

Ah! The element of surprise.

What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.

We make a great pear

Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.

If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?

How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.

What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”

Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.

I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea

Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?

You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.

Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.

How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.

What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.

What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.

Don't worry, bee happy!

What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O

Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!

Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?

It just mist.

I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.

What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.

What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.

Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.

What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.

What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.

On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor

What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.