Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Can I be one of the men in your box?
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.