There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
You're so clover!
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.