Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0