People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
These book puns have tickled your spine.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer