“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
I’ll never leaf you.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.