How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
More candles means a bigger wish!
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.