“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
By the seat of one’s punt
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
I like you a latte.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
I find you very a-peeling.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
I Tour de Francy you.