Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.

Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."

If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.

My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.

At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"

I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.

Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.

Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.

We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.

You're acute Valentine.

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.

Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.

How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!

What is a car’s preferred TV program?

The Driving Dead.

Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!

Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.

I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.

“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!

Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.

Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.

What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.

Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!

Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.

What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.

Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”

What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!

I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.

“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”

- Conan O’Brien.

What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.

All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!

“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin

I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.

“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”

- John J. Plomp.

What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.

What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus

I dreamt about you. You died.

"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko

County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.