“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
That look soots you.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
We should make like your parents and split.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.