A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.