“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
You dropped something. My jaw.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"Alcohol you later."
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Nice life preservers.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
"I've found some bunny to love."
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.