How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
How Rudolf you to say that!
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
You leave me Wonton more.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!