There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
It takes one to snow one.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.