Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
Your treat or mine?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.