How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
Goat milk?
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.