How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."