Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”