What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch

My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.

Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.

You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.

My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!

Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.

If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.

I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.

Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.

Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.

I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.

Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY

What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!

When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.

I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.

My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.

“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker

Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.

Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.

“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!

What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus

The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln

Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.

Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!

Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.

Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.

German Wi-Fi is the WURST.

Angel, I want to run all the way with you.

Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.

Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga

I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.