What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Nice life preservers.
I goat this.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
Deja brew all over again.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.