You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.