If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
Sleigh, what?!
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
"Say you'll be wine."
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.