What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
I like you a latte.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
Give me some pigskin
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"