What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.