What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
"Great minds drink alike."
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
You make me want to Twist and Shout
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.