Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
I feel tail great!
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.