I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
Feeling fintastic.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley