“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."