Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Fairies just spell trouble.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Know what? I dig you, really!
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.