What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
I feel like we're in tune
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.