How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
I can sea clearly now.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Snow on and snow forth.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
New electric trains will run on conductors.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.