Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama