"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
The snuggle is real.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.