The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.