A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Seas the day.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
I can sea clearly now.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.