Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Make it rein.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.