Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
I’m rooting for you!
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'