The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Irish you were beer.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
I'll light your fire for you if you want!
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.