What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
This summer is going swimmingly.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.