Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Shave a single shingle thin.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
You raise the bar.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
I C Major potential in us getting together.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.