Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
I feel tail great!
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.