Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
It was mitten in the stars.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.