Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.