Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.