What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
You are sweeter than 3.14.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
Would you like to share fire with me?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?