There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"Here for the right riesling."
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
You are my raisin to smile.
Nice Ass-teroid.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.