What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.