What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright

Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.

What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.

Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.

Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.

I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.

A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.

I can go 90 minutes without stopping.

You are spud-tacular.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime

What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.

You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.

What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.

Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.

What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.

Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.

Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.

The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.

“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt

Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.

Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.

Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.

How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.

You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.

“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.

What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.

"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.

Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.

Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.

What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.

What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.

What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.

How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat

Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn

The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!