As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U

What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.

In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.

What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.

What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!

If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!

Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.

The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.

Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.

Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.

Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?

When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.

Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!

What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.

Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.

I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.

This vacation has been sand-sational!

“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder

A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."

What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?

I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.

Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns

How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.

"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.

I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.

Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”

I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.

What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!

Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.

"You round me out." — High Card Band

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.

“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”

- Louise Bates Ames.