What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
Your good seed for the day.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
You had me at ruff.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
I like long runs on the beach.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.