What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.