What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.

What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.

Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!

What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.

What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.

A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high

In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.

What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.

Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.

What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!

I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow

Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!

What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”

What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"

Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.

Belize let me hold you.

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.

What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.

What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!

What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.

This s***ty toilet broke down again!

Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.

How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.

What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!

What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.

Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.

Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.

What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.

What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.

Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!

I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.

I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”

The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"

What do you call an old snowman?
Water.

“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.