After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener