“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
Your treat or mine?
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.