Your treat or mine?
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
I really caribou-t you.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
How was heaven when you left it?
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.