What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
"You're the wine that I want."
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
You're the thought that counts!
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.