Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.