What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty