What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?
"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."
Your beauty is blinding.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Paddy like a rockstar.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs