There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.