“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal