There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!

“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus

What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor

My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.

Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.

I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".

What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.

A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."

Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.

I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.

Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.

“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”

I like big books and I cannot lie.

"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."

I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!

Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications

“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock

What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.

Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.

I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.

If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.

Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.

What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry

I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow

hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.

Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.

Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.

Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!

“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.

They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.

Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?

Having a ball

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!

What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.

Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence

“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown