A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
I am a mean green machine.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.