Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
I would give anything to be your personal item.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
I am a mean green machine.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Who’s your paddy?
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."