What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
Reading is a novel idea.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.