What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
You’re my pot of gold.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
Please, please me
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Someone said you were looking for me.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.