Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
You're just my cup of tea!
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.