Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
I would love to show you first class.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Gold riddance.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
You look a lot like my next victim.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I think we need to become better strangers.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.