Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
You are shrimply the best!
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
"You are so bottlefull to me."
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.