What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
You are un-beer-lievable!
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
I think you’re dandelion.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H