What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.