Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Did you know you look good in short pants?
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!