“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Beach, please.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
I’m very frond of you.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."