Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
All farts...are laughing gas.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
I sulfur when you argon.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
You're one in a melon.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.