Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
I like long runs on the beach.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
"Some bunny needs vodka."
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell