What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.