So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.