What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
I want to read you from cover to cover.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)