What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
We are perfect balance for each other.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
I’ll be there in a pinch.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!