"Having a good hare day."

I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?

Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.

I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.

What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.

Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.

I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.

What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.

Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.

I am a mean green machine.

What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.

A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.

My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.

*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”

What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.

Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.

I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.

I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman

I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.

During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.

Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.

Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.

I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.

I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.

What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.

Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.

What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.

How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.

“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

I like long runs on the beach.

What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.

Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.

Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.

I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”

Dad: “Four shore!”

What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.

Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.

What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.

What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.

You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.

What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.