Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Avoid pier pressure.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
I only have ice for you.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”