If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
“You’re my soul Santa.”
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
Salty but sweet.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.