There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
Funny meat-ing you here.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.