Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Best in snow.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!