What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Practice safe text: use commas.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.