“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.