Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Best in snow.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.