Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!

What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.

Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.

happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.

Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.

What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.

"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke

How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.

What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.

I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack

What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”

Don’t moss around.

I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.

Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”

When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...

Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”

What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.

What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller

You had me at taco.

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad

I like you, you croc my world.

What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.

"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer

Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.

There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'

Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight

I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.

Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!

Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.

I whale always love you.

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

I beg your garden?

Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.

What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!

I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them

Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.

Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.