Promise you won’t Char-leave?
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.