“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.