Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”