I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!