What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
I can be your travel pillow.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.