"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
I think we need to become better strangers.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Deja brew all over again.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
I’m elf-taught.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”